Grief Bubbles

 

Grief is such a weird and complicated emotion.  I don’t even think emotion is a good word for this often life changing emotional roller coaster.  We, as Americans, suck at grief.  Our society doesn’t recognize the extended and complicated process it often entails and instead allows for a nice stepwise progression that has an established time period associated with “healing” from your grief. 

Grief is a cornucopia of emotions and time lines, and nothing about it is linear.  The only thing that can be said is that it does get easier with time.  You don’t “heal” from grief.  You don’t “get over it”.  You don’t forget or really ever quit hurting with the remembered loss.  What you do is find a way to live with this new flavor of life and the living with it gets easier the more you do it. 

As a veterinarian and a life long animal owner I thought at my somewhat advanced age that I was actually well acquainted with loss and the emotions that go with it.  I have experienced the “normal” losses a person goes through with saying goodbye to lots of pets, grandparents and I lost a couple of dear uncles.   But, when my own personal BIG loss came I was devastated in a way that I didn’t think was possible for me.  The devastation was so disorienting that it made be question so much about who I thought I was and what I thought I was capable of.  The depth of the pain was crippling and all I could think about was that I wanted it to stop.  I was not suicidal and did not want to hurt myself at that point but for the first time in my life I understood how someone can feel that is the only way for them.  I knew deep down that if I stopped breathing and my life ended it would be nothing but a relief. 

As time passed and I got some professional help to deal with the trauma of my loss I began to breath in a way that allowed me to carry the weight of the grief without so much struggle.  I will never forget the first time I laughed spontaneously and actually joyfully after that event.  It was weeks after the trauma.   It felt so foreign and it was followed not by relief but profound fear that I wouldn’t figure out how to be normal again. 

Now I’m in my second year of this new life.  Most of the time I feel what I’ve learned to call my new normal.  I laugh and enjoy life most of the time.  But what I keep experiencing that I haven’t ever heard someone else talk about in grief is a phenomenon I can only call grief bubbles.  They are happening with decreasing frequency but they still surprise me.

 These bubbles of grief most often stem from periods of serenity, happiness or thankfulness.  It’s movements in my life when I am practicing counting my blessings or finding joy in the smallest and simplest pleasures that the old grief bubbles up and suddenly I find myself sobbing like it all happened yesterday.  Luckily these bubbles are really brief and if I’m doing something during which sobbing is not conducive to societal norms (like buying eggs or pumping gas) I can suppress it until I can find some privacy unlike when my grief was so fresh I couldn’t control it at all.   These bubbles leave me bewildered.  It’s such a complete disparity of emotions to go from happiness to grief without any warning.  I don’t understand why when I’m feeling good about life I suddenly have to be immersed in the old pains but I have some theories. 

One theory is that for a while when I was really struggling I didn’t think I would ever really be happy or joyful again.  I walked around like a zombie for months experiencing things without actually feeling them.  So, gratefulness and true joy are still such a wonderful feeling in comparison to the zombie feeling that it reminds me on some level of how I’ve improved and reminds me just by contrast of the pain that was there.  So much so, in fact, that it bubbles the grief back up for a minute until I can breathe through it again. 

Another theory is that in joy, thankfulness and serenity we lower our natural defenses.  When we allow ourselves the opportunity to sit in these positive emotions we are our best selves.  But that doesn’t imply perfection.  Our true and best selves carry the scars and baggage and trauma they have survived; not in any sole crushing way but just as the complete package that we are as we move through this life.  This is why the notion of “getting over” any grief or trauma can be such a difficult and damaging concept for any one in the struggling phase.  It’s easy to hate yourself and your weakness for not moving forward fast enough, complete enough or well enough to “get over it”. 

Early in my grieving when I was at my lowest my best friend shared with me the advice she had been given to make friends with your grief.  I had no idea what the heck that meant at that point but I was sure that advice was not for me.  As I continue to move through and understand this process I think I now know what that means.  Grief is the gift of love and human suffering.  It is the darkness that makes the light seem so bright.  To fully experience the vast array of human emotions we have to experience the lows as well as the highs.  You must cry to know how good a smile can feel.  I would never want to walk knowingly into grief again if I could avoid it, but I am thankful for the things I have learned through my pain.  I have a deeper empathy for those that are suffering.  I have a greater appreciation for the many small blessings we experience daily.  I’ve learned to infuse my life with moments of serenity, at first so I could deal with my grief process but now as a valued method of restoring my sanity and peace of mind. 

So, when I am happily bopping along humming to myself and feeling grateful and a surge of a grief bubbles boil up, I take a minute to acknowledge and breath through my grief.  I take a moment to appreciate the things around me that bring me happiness and joy.  I take a moment to remember those loved ones I have recently said goodbye to and the ones I didn’t take the time to properly grieve in my younger years. ( Grief is also oddly compounding so that one loss can make you relive a previous loss.  As if this process wasn’t complicated enough!) But, what I previously viewed as a weakness of character I now recognize as a strength.  To love deeply is to one day lose deeply because that is the way life works.  I wouldn’t trade the love for pain of loss even at the worst times.  I do wish I had had a better understanding of the grieving process before I was knocked off my feet.  That’s why I hope talking about it helps others experiencing the myriad of emotions lumped into moving through grief. 

So, if you are walking your own grief journey and learning what this new life looks like for you, I would like to offer these three things:

1.  Breathe and let the tears flow when they come as often as you can.  Even if its well past when you should "be over it".  

2.  Find your one thing that brings you peace even in your pain.  Use that to recenter yourself as often as you need.  

3.  Talk about your process with someone who has walked the path before.  All the weird grief experiences that you think are just you may turn out to be more common than you think! (Grief hair!  I didn't know it was a thing!) 

 

I have been putting P's on mountains to honor two losses in my life.  It's a great way to carry my loved ones with me while I practice my serenity and peace seeking. 

Making a Mountain Horse

Climbing the multiple high mountain trails in our national forests in the Gem State of Idaho is one of the greatest joys of my life. I’ve always been an avid trail rider but have previously considered it more like “recess” for intense arena sessions. It’s something that all my horses have been good at without even really trying. I didn’t consider it the kind of thing that you trained for. It’s just time spent riding outside with your best bud. But now that I’ve spent quite a bit of time riding the mountains alone on some of the most challenging trails that I can find, I have come to really appreciate the unique qualities that make a safe, reliable and enjoyable mountain mount. I’m sure there are those out there that do more miles than I do with more animals on the trail at a time that have even more sage advice to offer. I think what I hear the most from other riders wishing they could do the rides I do is that they don’t feel safe out there, or don’t trust their horse. They often ask, what if you meet, hikers, bikers, bears, moose, deer, bridges, rocks, . . . etc? What do you do? How do you train your horse to be good out there all alone? So, for what it’s worth (and, granted, it may not be much!!) I thought I would try to put into words what I think makes an excellent mountain horse and share the top 5 things that are important for creating a mount you can climb mountains on! 

First things first, your horse must be BROKE. Not that I don’t take green horses out on the trail, I absolutely do, that’s how they get good and broke, but if you are planning a solo trip or something on sketchy footing where such green horse behaviors as balking, spinning, bolting, bucking or shying would create a wreck, I would advise against putting both you and your horse into that situation. You don’t want to create a situation where either of you can get hurt or create bad memories that will resurface down the road. So, do your time and due diligence and train your mountain horse just like you were going to ride in front of judge. Set standards of perfection for behavior and don’t let unsafe behaviors slide. A good mountain horse can do all the fancy stuff that a dressage horse can do. They should be broke through the body parts, soft off your aides and ready and willing to move and respond to your aides no matter what other distractions are present. The more you can control and help move their body parts, the more likely you are to safely guide them through whatever obstacles are present. Your check list for a really good mountain horse should be shoulder in/out (keeps all 4 feet on a narrow trail), side pass/leg yield (navigating obstacles), turn on the haunches, turn on the forehand (turning around on narrow trails), backing circles (I’ve had to back UP a switch back!) and lots and lots of bend! When threading your mount through the jumble and mess of a trail that has yet to be cleared you will be thankful for the ability to place each of your horse’s feet carefully from his back! 

Chico on Queen Mnt

Second, if you want to be able to count on your horse to help you know what is out there, don’t desensitize them; instead expose them! Sounds counter intuitive, right? Don’t you want your mountain horse to also be “bomb proof”? Well, since I ride alone, I don’t. I want my horses to be aware of their environment and feel comfortable telling me what they are seeing so that I know what is out there too. The last thing you want is for them to internalize their fears and worries and put their nose down and do their job until they just can’t take it and sell out and leave you there! Instead of desensitizing, I encourage you to teach your horses that IF they are worried about anything to look to you for reassurance and guidance and courage. That means you must be the courageous one until they learn to trust your instinct! It also means you must not get your horses into trouble and give them a reason to not trust you. Trust is a two-way street, and it is imperative that trust runs both directions for partnership to work when you need it the most! To help build trust I like to do a lot of obstacle work on the ground and at liberty. This is great for helping the horse to think through obstacles and for you to build control of the feet. I think it’s also a really great time to remember that a horse that is afraid should never be punished or disciplined. I don’t allow them to engage in unsafe behavior (I have one that really liked to whirl) but I don’t punish them. I soothe them and encourage them and then we conquer the fear together. 

Ernie on Gold Hill

Third on the list for making a good mountain horse is FORWARD. This is more about horse selection when choosing a mountain horse but I do think you can both cultivate and squash forward in a horse. You want a forward thinking and forward moving horse. If you have to beg a horse to keep on moving down the trail not only will it wear you out but it will dull your horse. A horse that is always looking forward on the trail is much less likely to spin and bolt back down the trail for home. They enjoy the movement and the challenge of covering new ground. A forward thinking and moving horse will get you through obstacles, across bridges, over logs, etc. If you can’t get one reliably moving forward when you need it most you are going to find yourself on one side of an obstacle that MUST be crossed to get you home and you have to spend valuable time on the trail in training mode rather than in traveling mode. While a good supple and maneuverable rein back is imperative having a horse continue to move forward when asked can save your butt! I encourage forward by allowing my horses to move out in all 3 gaits on the trail as footing allows. 

Fourth on the list is patience. While I love the forward thinking and moving horses I also need one that will stop and stand still for as long as needed while I consult a map, explore a trail, pick some huckleberries, whatever. I don’t want to have to manage a horse while I’m doing something else. Mounted or not, if I stop and have to take care of something I would like my horses to stay calm and quiet and with me. Along this same line of thinking is standing quietly to be mounted from the ground or any other object, standing tied, trailering quietly standing quietly to be tacked up. Generally not destroying my patience and peace of mind while I’m out there relaxing! You can teach your horse patience by tying them up. Lots. Spending time tied is a dying art. If you are riding alone it is also important your horse can stand quietly while tied up all by their lonesome out in the middle of the wilderness while you wonder off for pictures, berry picking, meditation, what have you! Tie that pony up! Lots of time tied at home where they feel safe is imperative for building a strong and patient horse out in the woods. 

Fifth and last (at least on this short list) is conditioning. Climbing mountains is hard. For the weekend rider or one that wants to do a little light site seeing, the high country is not the place to take your pudgy couch potato pony that is generally used to doing about 20 minutes of walking on flat ground! We work very hard for these peak rides. We refine and train in the arena all winter then hit the trails just as soon as we are able. I ride the low country regularly until we can get up into the higher country and then I carefully monitor the condition and breathing and sweating of my horse taking plenty of breaks as needed. A tired, distracted of physically exhausted horse is much more likely to take a bad step and there are places a single bad step can be disastrous. You want your horse as fresh and alert at the end of a good ride as he was going out. 

Kit on Red Top Mnt

This short list could be much longer, but this is a good start. I get so many requests from folks that want to go up into the mountains with me, but in my mind, once you start climbing the big stuff, it’s not for the weekend warrior. Kind of like running marathons, it’s a commitment. It’s the only way to keep you and your horse safe, happy and healthy while still enjoying all the splendor that our area provides. We live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and it is a rare privilege to be able to climb up into those places. You truly do feel closer to heaven in the high places!

Finding Your Foal

 I was asked recently what I look for in a foal.  How do I pick a good one, or what is it about a youngster that sparks joy in my heart?  I found it wasn't a snap answer.  Definitely one to give some consideration to from multiple view points.  So, here are my viewpoints.  They are just mine, of course, but maybe they will give you some perspective on finding your own!

Maximum Majesty born May 2013.  Max was our first foal.  He was a perfect first foal.  From a veterinary standpoint he was a bit of wreck at birth but had a strong and self assured personality.  He was compliant, brave but not over sensitive.  

I remember asking my mentor, Eitan, what he looked for in a horse.  How did he pick the champions from the many young horses that came through his hands. He found it hard to verbalize.  Like the artist and horseman that he is he described it as a feeling.  You just know.  There is something about the horse that  speaks to your soul.  When I look at the horses that have remained as part of my herd I would have to agree.  There is something about the outside of a horse that touches the inside of the human and that connection is a lot like picking a spouse.  It's hard to define.  

Mia Fe born July 2020.  "Fe" was a very sensitive but brave foal from day one.  She is an athletic level mover much like her momma.  She is opinionated but smart.  Definitely one to challenge you.  

As a Veterinarian I am called on to examine young horses for health and wellness.  I often get to see these youngsters at their 24 hour check up.  It's quite honestly one of my favorite things to do.  If I wasn't also trying to run a business I would do these check ups free of charge.  It's the very best part of our job.  We listen to the heart, checking for regularity and lack of murmurs.  We listen to the lungs to ensure there is no lingering fluid and air is moving equally through both sides.  We feel all the joints to be sure there is no swelling.  We check the umbilicus, scrotal area and perineum for any hernias or abnormalities indicating possible inherited reproductive defects.  We look at the jaws, to ensure there is no evidence of malignment of the bite.  We look at the eyes to be sure we don't have any suspicion of congenital cataracts.  And finally we draw blood to make sure that baby received all of the colostrum from momma to set it on the path of health and wellness for a productive life. None of those very important things tell me anything about who the horse is destined to be.  The completely healthy and normal 24 hour old foal may grow up to be a clobber footed dingbat who can't walk a straight line without tripping or spooking.  What does give me some information as to who this foal will be is how they handle the process of this examination.  

Sheila Fe was born May 2021.  Sheila has been very sure of herself and smart since birth.  She is forward thinking and more likely to tell you what to do than accept what you tell her to do.  She has the energy of a horse twice her size. 

Whether your foal was imprinted properly or was gathered from a range mare and trapped in a corner while someone restrains the veterinarian eating momma, you can see right from the start if this is a sensitive, curious, frightful, brave, or smart baby.  It still doesn't tell you much about their winning potential but it does give you the first glimpse of their personality.  In my very humble and relatively inexperienced opinion, that personality means at least twice what the conformation, breeding and type mean for performance in the long run.   

The next important aspect of evaluating a young horse is to be realistic about what you hope that foal will grow up to be.  You may have a discipline focused breeding program that is carefully creating foals for a specific purpose that predetermines the athletic future of your foal.  You may also have one special mare that you bred in honor of keeping the legacy of that special horse alive in your herd.  Either way, the best of intentions can be overridden by so many variables that are completely out of your control and likely more related to your horse's personality or possibly physical limitations.  My great grandpa, grandpa, father and uncle were all attorneys.  My mother was a paralegal for my father.  I was bred to be an attorney and raised in a home filled with it.  My personality determined that wasn't possible for me.  That's a little anthropomorphic for our foals, but they will tell you what their job should be if you listen.  You are much more likely to turn a baby bred for your sport into a happy participant in that sport but they can still surprise you.  

Betty Fe born April 2022.  Betty is quiet and accepting as well as smart and friendly.  She is quick to learn and easy to teach new things and once she learns something new it's pretty solid.  A very level headed foal.

This is again why I think personality is so important in your selection.  If you are a hunter jumper you want a brave, forward thinking not overly sensitive (spooky or touchy) foal.  If you are a reiner you want an athletic, sensitive, smart but level headed foal.  If you are a casual trail rider you want a foal that is trusting, quiet, brave but not reactive.  It's important to be realistic about your goals.  You may think you want a high powered athletic cowy son-of-a-gun, but if you are only a casual hobby cow worker that horse may spin right out from underneath you because his game is bigger than yours! 

I believe you can see a lot of this potential in a youngster from day one, but especially by 3 months.  It's a little tougher if they haven't been handled much but you can also watch how they interact in the herd or with their mother.  You can watch how they learn, how they process stimuli, how they seek release.  

So, how do I select my next partner from the small breeding program I have been blessed with?  I have a sentimental legacy that I very much want to carry on in selecting an offspring from my stallion.  I had hoped to have a son of his to carry on his legacy but he is going to have to carry that legacy through one of his daughters.  I am an avid mountain rider but I also love fancy movement and a flashy horse that tests me and forces me to grow and learn with it.  I also want pretty.  Ultimately, I think I pick out my horses most like Eitan.  There is just that something.  That indefinable something that touches my soul when I see a horse that needs to be mine.  I'm still not going to be able to put it into any more words than that! 

Patti Fe was born October 2022.  Patti has been smart and quick since she was born.  She was up on her feet before her mom and nursing faster than any foal we have had.  She is self assured, athletic, curious and brave.  She also has that something.

The Nadir

 This blog post is going to depart from my general horsemanship ramblings to more of a personal note.  I suppose, as all horsemen know, that horsemanship is really life, it won't be as much of a stretch as it may seem at first glance.  As Buck Brannaman is much quoted as saying, "Horses and life; it's all the same to me."  

I've come to view 2021 as my personal nadir.  As I've been wallowing, struggling and trying to breathe through these past months, "nadir" is the most polite and academic term I can come up with.  For those of you who's geometry classes are somewhat of a blur, here is the definition of nadir as defined by our friends at Webster

Nadir: the point of the celestial sphere that is directly opposite the zenith and vertically downward from the observer. 2 : the lowest point. 

The problem with the term nadir is that it assumes that it is in fact the lowest point and that there will be no points lower in the future.  Handy in geometry or astronomical computations, less handy in life.  Indeed I cringe slightly to assume this is in fact has been the nadir and that life will be better in the future.  That implies a certain amount of hope that is quite frankly difficult to sustain in the sucking pit of nadirism.  

Pain, depression and anxiety, regardless of their source or substance can only truly be appreciated by the person for whom they are making their mark.  We judge our friends for their ability to weather a storm and marvel at their brave ability to move forward with a perpetual spirit of polyannaism.  As a society we are uncomfortable with grief, pain, and depression.  It hasn't been that long in our collective psyche that the mentally compromised were stashed away out of sight in some horrific institutions, colloquially dubbed "hospitals" but more akin to dungeons.  

In today's more "woke" society we can talk about it in the abstract.  We can recognize the importance of mental well being and stability.  We have armloads of pharmaceuticals devoted to the pursuit of stable mental health.  But we still struggle to know what to do for a friend or loved one that is experiencing the nadir of their own personal storyline arc.  

Because as a society we struggle to embrace these nadirs, those left experiencing them are forced to cope in a number of different ways, all of which are then subject to judgement by our friends, families and acquaintances.  Unfortunately, without the aid of either professionals who are well versed in these struggles or friends that have reached their nadir and climbed back out again we can struggle to feel like our own personal journey is normal emphasizing the "brokenness" that I think is more disorientating than the depression.  

While all of us must go through the day to day and minute to minute realities of our own journey on our own, it is so useful to know that others have felt the way you do and have found a way to feel more "normal" again.  But how are we to discover that if we don't talk about it?  If talking about it makes your friends feel uncomfortable or that they need to "fix" it for you?

When my best friend hit her nadir and was rocked by personal tragedy that I couldn't even empathize with because of the shear depth of the pain, I was at a loss for how to help.  I chose love through distraction for my friend and tried to be present to listen when she needed someone to talk to.  But in reality I just couldn't be what she really needed in that time.  Thank goodness she had the presence of mind to seek a support group of others that were going through a similar experience to help her understand the process and to help her identify her experience through the filter of other people's journeys.  

Then when I hit my low point, she was able to be there for me.  Just talking about how low the lows feel and how hard it is some days to just freaking brush your hair and make it out the door.  How you have days where you feel pretty dang normal then something hits you out of left field and you are struggling to breath normally again.  

Grief and depression are such a personal things.  Nobody can truly walk through those things with you.  Nobody can take the pain away or say anything that will ease the suffering that has to bleed through your system as it heals you.  But, having the freedom to say, "this is how I feel today" and having someone that can say, "Ah, yes.  I remember something like that feeling." makes you realize that you are not, after all, crazy.  You are not, after all, irrevocably broken.  And most importantly, you are not, after all, going to feel like this for the rest of your life.  

Having been for the most part a very joyful and optimistic person for the past 48 years it has been earth shattering to me to feel my nadir (dear god, let this be my nadir!).  Looking for things that spark joy or trying to count my blessings is a daily chore that I sometimes fail to get done.  It's hard not to stare around the world at this dark reality and not just get caught up in the melancholy of it all.  

Because society demands it, I hide these feelings most of the time.  I play distraction games that allow me to forget or at least to concentrate on something else besides the darkness still sucking at my core.  I go to work.  I do my chores.  I attempt to engage in the things that have brought me joy.  But, when I give myself the time to acknowledge the despair it swoops in and grabs me by the ankles and I have to sit and cry for a spell before I can move on again.  

So, why am I talking about this?  Is this a desperate plea for sympathy?  Is this a cry for help or attention?  Am I trying to say to the world, look at how tough I have it?  Nope.  None of those things.  I know I am not alone.  I know that there are others who are struggling with their own nadirs.  I know that loss, suffering, and depression are everywhere and the people struggling may be friends, acquaintances and people that you would never in a million years suspect are struggling.  This is why grace is so important.  Talking is important when you feel safe to do so.  Being NOT OK IS OK!.  You don't have to put on a happy face all the time.  You don't have to be having the most amazing blessed life all the time. (Social media is the WORST for that!)   

We need to normalize the process of being less than okay and still getting through your day.  We need to talk about the struggles, the weight of the feelings and the lack of joy that can be a daily burden to carry.  We need to be gracious to one another.  If you know someone who is struggling, just a quick note, soft word, or quick hug can mean the world to them.  Don't make them feel like they have to go away until they can be more happy and normal again.  It is brave to face adversity with a smile, but I think it's even braver to stand there and look it in the eye with tears streaming down your face.  

Tricks or Treats

 So many topics in the equestrian world spark fierce debate and I suppose that's just human nature all over.  Shoes or no shoes, blanket or no blanket, bridles or bitless are all topics of much heated debate in horsey chatrooms and there are avid and well referenced Karens on both sides of the keyboard as well established and successful professional horsemen.  The issue of whether it is good and appropriate to "treat" a horse is another one where you can see heated impassioned debate on both sides of the issue.   So, let's delve into the ins and outs and whys and why nots of hand feeding treats to your equine partner. 

First of all it is important to understand the strength of the nature of association in the brain with positive reinforcement.  It is universally understood that positive reinforcement is the strongest training tool that we currently understand in all facets of animal behavior.  The association between a behavior and a positive reward can form behavior links that are so strong they can be recreated years after the initial behavior modification is instilled.  I had the distinct pleasure of talking to a marine animal trainer when I visited Sea World a few years ago and when he learned I was a visiting veterinarian we spoke at length about how they train the animals to actively cooperate with difficult veterinary procedures like blood sample collection without the aid of any physical restraint.  As an equine veterinarian that has to deal with needle shy and sometimes dangerous patients I found this fascinating and it made me realize how barbaric our handling and training of our domestic animals is by comparison.  Yes leaping through a hoop and balancing a ball is cool but the real success in operant conditioning in my opinion is having a dolphin swim to you and present a fin for blood draw without a qualm.  

Positive reinforcement in operant conditioning is a behavior modification technique in which a pleasant stimulus is added to the environment in direct association with the desired behavior with the purpose of encouraging the frequency of the behavior.  This is the method of training universally used in training marine mammals, zoo animals and most circus performing animals as well.  While you hear the horror stories of negative reinforcement and barbaric techniques like shocks, whips, and prods being applied in those settings, they are actually much more common in our domestic training programs, specifically in all equestrian fields.  Indeed our entire training program that relies on the use of physical aids is negative reinforcement.  You apply an uncomfortable stimuli (even if it's very mild) and the horse responds and the stimuli is taken away.  That is negative reinforcement.  It is also a safe, effective and humane way of training but that is not the method of training that is traditionally most effective for long term behavior changes. 

Animals trained with positive reinforcement will often offer the behavior in an attempt to garner the reward that they are used to receiving.  An animal trained in negative reinforcement will seldom do the same as they have been taught that the status quo of being left alone is the ultimate reward.  

Because every single horseman is by default an amateur trainer it is imperative that we understand behavior modification and the ramifications of each type if we are going to make decisions and continue to train our animals to have the behaviors that we desire whatever their intended purpose or use in our lives from pleasant companion to elite athlete.  Timing and feel of the addition of stimuli or removal of stimuli are essential for creating the behaviors we desire.  You may have heard the horseman's refrain, horse's learn from the release of pressure not the pressure  itself.  That is an elemental pillar of behavior modification through negative reinforcement.  The timing of the reward in both positive and negative reinforcement is imperative for the association to be paired with the appropriate behavior and here in lies the rub.  

It is possible, through poor timing to create positive reinforcement associations for the WRONG BEHAVIOR and this is what gives food rewards such a bad name in horsemanship circles.  This is why you will hear people say that using food rewards creates dangerous horses that will bite you or that it teaches them disrespect for the person or that they will get to the point that they will only do something for the reward.  These are all examples of the horse training the human through poor timing of positive reinforcement.  The wrong behaviors are rewarded, which creates very strong behavior pathways that are challenging to rewire and often are rewired through the use of another form of operant conditioning which is punishment.  

Punishment in terms of behavior modification is the opposite of reinforcement and may also be termed positive or negative punishment.  Punishment is stimuli in response to a behavior that will decrease the frequency of that behavior.  An example of positive punishment in the equestrian world is "shanking" or jerking the lead rope in response to a horse walking forward uninvited.  I'm sure you can think of many instances of positive punishment that are very common in most equestrian circles.  Negative punishment is the removal of  a pleasant stimuli that is meant to decrease a behavior.  Leaving a horse tied until they are able to stand quietly would be an example.  You remove the pleasant stimuli of comfort of moving or of companionship until they cease the undesirable behavior of equine temper tantrum.  It's essentially the time out philosophy.   While there is debate among behaviorists as to the ultimate effectiveness of punishment in behavior modification there is little doubt that the biggest down side to punishment is the likeliness of side effects related to the punishment.  Again, we can see many examples in our equestrian world.  Horse bites (maybe because they've taught the human to give them a treat that way) owner reacts by whacking said horse, horse responds by flipping it's head and becoming "head shy" in response to sudden movements of the hand. Repeat 3 times and it's a well established behavior pattern.  

So, how can we as horsemen use the exceptionally potent training modality of positive reinforcement within the constructs of traditional horsemanship?  A few years back I had the opportunity to discuss this with renowned equine behaviorist Dr. Sue McDonnell of New Bolton Center, University of Pennsylvania.  Dr. McDonnell has long been one of my veterinary heroes as she specializes in reproductive behavior modification in horses.  I find her work absolutely fascinating and the studies she has performed on basic herd dynamics in feral ponies is well worth the read for any horseman.  After listening to Dr. McDonnell lecture for several hours on the effectiveness of positive reinforcement in horses I asked her how in the world can we use this in horses when our entire riding tradition is based on negative reinforcement and the application of aides?  It would require an entirely different method of riding.  The best we could come up with is a bit that would dispense something tasty when the right behavior was achieved.  Not at all practical when trying to teach a horse to chase down a steer!!  

While I don't see that we will ever be able to replace the use of negative reinforcement and training aids in our ridden horses I do believe that the piece that can be strongly cultivated through positive reinforcement is partnership.  In Cowboy Dressage we place partnership right at the top of our list of equestrian goals.  We want our horses to be with us, mind, heart, and soul and to desire our company as much as we desire theirs.  We also want our horses to be safe and easy to handle and man, if we can encourage their active participation in the training process as much as possible, I'm all for that as well!  Using well timed positive reinforcement we can encourage the horses to crave the training and interaction.  

We use positive reinforcement to create a training environment that the horses crave.  As a matter of fact, we often have trouble convincing them to leave when their training session is over.  The desire to be with you and to be engaged in the activity becomes stronger and stronger through the proper application of positive rewards.  This isn't bribery.  This isn't about being a human Pez dispenser every time the horse sticks his nose out.  It also isn't about riding around with a pocket full of treats to dispense when ever the horse does something amazing.  Unless you are able to give the horse a food reward the moment the appropriate maneuver is performed you are ultimately rewarding them for stopping work while you fish a treat out of your pocket. (Although I have used this exact method for a horse that was anxious and unable to stand still in the middle of the dressage court!) So, while we can and do use positive reinforcement to train things like picking up the feet or putting on the bridle, mostly we use it to encourage quiet togetherness.  We reward the horses just for hanging out with us and once they want to be with you, anything is possible, I believe.   

Now, remember what I cautioned early on, there is a good reason why many very great horsemen discourage hand feeding of treats.  Positive reinforcement can quickly and strongly influence the wrong behavior when used with poor timing.  Rewarding a horse even once for aggressively frisking your pockets and you just reinforced the mugging behavior.  Give a horse a treat because they are pawing and wont stand still and you want to distract them will quickly create a horse that is a chronic pawer.  Bribing a horse to stand still by dispensing treats when they try to walk off will create a horse that is likely to never stand still.  You absolutely must be 100% cognizant of the behavior you are trying to create and the environment you are trying to encourage if you are going to try to use positive reinforcement and that is why so many trainers tell their clients not to use it at all.  But, if you are aware of the ramifications of this powerful tool, I think it is a great thing to experiment with.  We readily encourage positive punishment in the equine world; "Whack him! Don't let him get away with that!!" which can also create unwanted behaviors as a side effect.  Maybe it's time we started accepting the power of positive reinforcement as well!  

A Pandemic of Peace: Lessons of 2020

 They say everyone has one book in them.  Maybe that is true, but how do you know if you have more than one?  I will freely admit that since completing the book Dressage The Cowboy Way, I have been very remiss in the creation of any piece of written word.  As I begin to start planning the next book project (projects, if I am honest) I realize that the writing muscle is just like any other muscle and goes soft when allowed to sit fallow for too long.  So, dear reader, if you can bear with me, I think it's time to get back to the ol' keyboard.  Welcome to the first blog of 2021.  

I suppose the other reason that I have had more trouble than usual writing about the topic of horsemanship is that it has always been my struggles that have dictated my horsemanship musings.  The written word is often how I delve into the mental process of understanding how the horse's mind works.  It's how I come to grip with my huge blunders, small accomplishments and big concepts understood (or misunderstood).  Since my horses have grown up a bit and I have been able to make slow but steady progress I have been less mired in the breakdown of horsemanship minutia in order to try to understand what goes on in those equine brains.  And let's face it, 2020 was unconventional.  It's pretty hard to say anything earth shattering on the greater topic of horsemanship when the entire globe is a dumpster fire of TP hording, murder hornets and plaque! 

So, we look to 2021 and back on the lessons of 2020 with a grateful heart just to be here and an open mind and appreciation for every minute that we get to spend in the saddle.  It is that grateful quiet heart that has been the greatest gift of this past year.  

When COVID hit early in 2020 and the world started to shut down, Idaho was slow to follow.  We watched what was happening in the rest of the world wondering how it would affect us here in N. Idaho.  Surely we would just stay in for a couple of weeks and then things would get back to normal.  I think we are all beginning to realize that normal will never be the same normal again.  The shut down occurred for us as we were packing and preparing to head to California for our annual horsemanship school.  We spend a week every spring with our second family down in Grass Valley, California.  Under the watchful eye of Eitan Beth-Halachmy we hone our skills, check our progress and chart our course for the work we will do with our horses for the rest of the year.  I can't understate how important that week of school is for us.   When we lost that benchmark followed closely by the loss of our live shows I think we all felt adrift.  All of the goals I had sketched out on my vision board for 2020 suddenly seemed trite, narcissistic and purposeless.  

I have always been a big goal setter.  I think having a road map for my progress is essential to success.  I've been setting lofty goals for myself for as long as I can remember then working diligently towards that goal until I can check that box and then as soon as it is checked set an other goal even loftier and more difficult to achieve.  It has served me well for goal reaching and box checking if not for smelling the roses and appreciating the moment.  When 2020 removed all of my goals and structure and left me with an open ended flight plan, I had to learn how to embrace the moment.  It may have been the biggest benefit of 2020.

As social distancing became the way of the world I took to the mountains and saw more back country than I have seen in my 16 years in this amazing county.  I found a renewed love for the high mountains that I had really missed since my riding time got carved into smaller pieces often happening while I was teaching someone.  Instead of spending every minute of my time in the arena attempting to tune my horse for the next show or to reach the next goal I remembered what it felt like to play and to hop on bareback and prance down to the lake at sunset or race around the arena just because.  I remembered that sometimes just sitting on your horse in the middle of the arena watching the clouds roll over head is the most beautiful piece of training you can do.  I was reminded of the joy of leisurely brushing my horse's tail in the sunshine instead of obsessing about keeping it clean and long and white for the next show.  

The virtual show format was also a gift.  Instead of the hours traveling, setting up, nervously getting your horse acclimated to the new venue then rushing about to get to your class only to wait around sweating by the in gate, we were able to ride right here at home.  While there are definitely very good things that come from traveling and showing our horse, the stress free environment of the virtual show allowed us to just ride and remove the stress that comes with showing. 

I didn't win any big awards in 2020.  I didn't check any big goals off my vision board.  I didn't set the Cowboy Dressage world on fire with any of my spectacular performances.  But the rewards that I did receive were enormous and priceless and irreplaceable.  Partnership, harmony, and an inner peace that is hard to obtain in any other way than in the quiet spaces of time when it is just you and your horse and the peace of a stolen moment. 

I still take my horsemanship very seriously.  I still work hard every single time I am in the arena.  But what I have made sure to add each time I ride whether I have the time for it or not, is the peace and appreciation for the moment that 2020 taught me we cannot take for granted.  Maybe my ride is cut short by life or the dang phone that never seems far away.  Maybe I only get 15 minutes of actual saddle time.  But what I don't skimp on is the connection and the time to just sit and be, whether in the saddle or out.  To just be at peace and tell my horse how thankful I am for the time I get to spend with them.  That time, and that partnership is more valuable in the long run that the fabulous feats of horsemanship that we chase.  

So thank you 2020 for reminding us that we aren't really in the driver's seat.  Life and all that comes with it is precious and fleeting.  The gift of the sun on our shoulders and the smell of leather and horse sweat is enough.  I hope that it doesn't take another global pandemic to remind us of the simple pleasures in life.  I hope that normalcy returns in some form as the decade marches on.  I will continue to scratch out some goals each year, but I'm not going to loose the forest for the valuable TP producing trees as I march down my horsemanship trail.  

Horse Husbandry

Being a mobile veterinarian for the past 17 years has taught me an awful lot about about the variation in husbandry practices in our region.  We really do see it all down our country roads from beloved but rarely haltered ponies to the very elite expensive performance horse.  When I first started practicing in this county I would say more than half of my clients with horses had little to no shelter provided other than trees.  Many of those horses were turned out with round bales and given the majority of the winter off while their owners pursued the other leisure activities common in the 7B;  skiing and outdoor sports, hunting and ice fishing.  Horses, for many, were a summer activity and other than making sure they had food and water through the winter there was little else provided.  Blankets were as rare as barns for many of these clients and on the occasion when I would be called to treat an ill horse in sub zero weather, my requests for a sheltered spot or warm blanket were often met with blank stares.  In the spring, both the vets and the farriers would be summoned to get the horses ready for the summer riding season.  I can remember so many of those spring appointments being the first time the horses had been handled since the end of elk season last fall.  To say they were a little bit exuberant would be an understatement.  It was at those times I was especially glad to be the vet and not the farrier! 

Times change, populations change, society changes.  Husbandry practices and what is widely accepted as "normal" change as well.  Over the past 2 decades I have seen more warm barns, more supplements, more blankets and more horses that are fussed over rather than turned out for the winter.  We still see the horses that spend the majority of the winter surviving our temps with all the god given defenses that they were born with while others spend the winter cozied up in a wardrobe Victoria Beckham would be proud of and sampling a buffet of carefully prepared food. 

As our days get shorter and our nights become interminable here in the northwest social media experts began to share loads of articles, blogs and "scientific evidence" about how horses don't need all of the human trappings to survive.  There are jokes about how humans clothe their horses when they are cold, not when the horses are cold.  As with everything on the internet there are vehement experts on either side of the argument often stating how the opposing views are not only ignorant but damaging to the horse and if they would only read this article or watch this informational you tube video they would see the errors of their ways and change their husbandry practices forever!

This is one of the reason why I am leery of animal abuse laws and husbandry requirements for livestock.  The variation in husbandry practices and beliefs about what is right, prudent and safe for animals varies so much.  We can all agree that water, food and shelter are necessary but what forms those three things take can vary from a stand of cedar trees, a round bale, and a creek to a 5 star equine facility with heated automatic waters, deeply bedded stalls and carefully prepared individually tailored meal plans.  With experts shouting on both sides of the argument it's hard to make an informed decision and it comes down to what each person feels is the best for their animals, their property and their abilities to take care of their own horses. 

We have quite a bit of variation in husbandry just within our own herd of horses.  We have horses that live outside with only the shelter of trees through the winter.  We also have horses that sleep in a barn overnight but spend their days outside.  We also have one horse that has a complete wardrobe, special diet and a warm barn at night.  We try to meet the individual needs of each horse and I will admit, pamper the horses that tolerate and seem to enjoy our pampering while the ones that feel overly confined and restless inside stay out, even in the coldest, nastiest weather.  There is not one right answer for managing this particular herd of horses.

I think it's also important to address the concept of thriving vs surviving.  Horses are incredibly well adapted for survival.  In the right conditions with the right diet and the ability to move around at will they can survive some awful conditions in the wild.   It's also important to realize that in those conditions survival may include significant weight loss over the winter months.  For older or weaker horses it may mean succumbing to conditions that fat healthy 8 year old horse is able to quite contentedly endure.  If you believe your horses are better off surviving with only the tools that mother nature has given them than you also have to be accepting of the mortality rate and life expectancy that mother nature dictates as well.  Surviving isn't always thriving and for many owners, survival isn't quite enough when they are pursing performance goals with their horses. 

So if you are looking for me to take sides on the debate about blankets vs no blankets or barn vs no barn and which is better for the health of the horse, I am going to defer to that rarest of qualities known as common sense.  I know what keeps my horses thriving.  I would hate to see the day that someone who doesn't know my horses or my husbandry practices were to dictate either me leaving my "pampered" stallion outside or bringing my claustrophobic gelding inside. 

So to those of you proudly touting the toughness of your horses standing with tails to the wind in the blizzard and to those of you reaching for the heavy weight blanket to put over the medium blanket before turning your horses out for an hour, I say bless you.  Give your horse's a kiss, whether their muzzles are covered with icicles or free from even a trace of a misplaced whisker.   I know from experience that both camps love their horses equally no matter what they might say about the other!