Musings from the trail

 I just completed my now third annual week of trail riding where I spend each day exploring a new trail (or favorite trail) with one of my trusty Morgan horses enjoying what is likely to be the last wonderful weather before winter descends on our North Idaho high country.  As I've come to do, I spent the majority of that time on the trail with just my Morgans, allowing for maximal introspection and partnership with my horses.  

Here are the things I have come to learn about myself and my horses through these solo adventures.  

First of all my riding has evolved over the past three years.  While I used to be about the extreme adventure or the miles logged or the hours spent in the saddle, those things hold little attraction for me anymore.  I don't choose the longest rides, or highest peaks because I want it to look good on my trail log journal.  I have tended to gravitate towards the rides that allow me to see the far flung places where I can be still and enjoy the peace and quiet of the majestic places we can go without feeling the need to rush back down the mountain.  Maybe this is just a sign I'm getting older, I did turn 50 this year after all.  I would like to believe it is a sign I'm getting wiser and more settled in myself and the things that really resonate deep in my soul.  I cringe thinking about the times in the past I would battle and scramble and hump it up a mountain only to spend about 10 min taking pictures before heading back down.  My favorite memory from this past week is the hour that Kit and I spent basking in the sunshine together on the top of Mt. Pend Orielle.  There is peace in stillness.  Take your moments of stillness and embrace the beauty of this life.  It makes the other worries seem so much less.  High mountains are good for both the view and the perspective.  

Hanging out with Annie on the banks of Moose Lake.  This was Annie's first time out on the trail this year after raising a baby this summer. 

I listen to my horses more than I used to.  Again, this may be age more than wisdom but the quiet miles and hours spent in the high country with only my horses for company really improves the quality of the two way communication we share.  It allows me to know intimately how my horses are feeling about any particular situation so that I can be prepared to help them or reassure them as necessary.  Sometimes that means taking a quiet moment to breath together or  sometimes it means me getting off to assess the footing and lead a horse that is questioning the passage.  My former self would have disdained a rider that felt the need to get off and walk a horse through a tricky spot opting to instead "cowboy up" and show that horse who is boss. but being out there alone makes you extra cautious.  You've got no audience, no peer pressure and nothing to prove other than the desire to get out of there, the both of you, in one piece.  When my horses tell me they need some help, I get off and give it to them.  Forcing a horse when the footing is questionable leads to mistakes and mistakes lead to injuries.  Allowing myself and my horses the grace to say, yes, this is tricky, let me show you the path I would choose.  Trust me to keep you safe.  It is a great honor and responsibility to have a being as noble as the horse look to you for guidance and comfort when the going gets rough.  It also means that when I need my horses to be there for me and to get me through whatever lies ahead I can lean on them too.  Trust is a two way street.  

Coming down off of Fault Lake basin with Ernie

It's important to me that my horses are as invested and excited about the ride as I am.  Perhaps I'm kidding myself, but I really believe my Morgans enjoy the adventures we share.  They are never reluctant to be caught and never refuse to load. They never attempt to turn around and go back to the trailer.  They never seem anxious or worried when they get out of the trailer, no matter what kind of road I had to crawl over to get there.  My younger horses, still learning the ropes, are different.  They will sometimes be nervous when the road has been rough or they are unloaded in a strange place once again.  But in those instances I will spend extra time grooming, petting, and reassuring them, maybe letting them graze a bit or eat from a hay bag before we head out on the trail.  Investing in this bank of peace and contentment serves us well as we move on down the trail.  You must be at peace and calm to avoid the pitfalls of the spooks and the dangers of horses rushing through obstacles due to nerves.  

Navigating the ridgeline to Estelle Lake was a little much for Jack on a solo jaunt so we walked it in and rode it out.  He did great on the way out!

Mountain driving and mountain riding are two separate but equal skill sets.  As a proud Gen Xer I am definitely of the generation of self assured and capable women but still old enough to sometimes think (even if it's privately) "little ol' me?"  So driving into the woods alone with horse in tow to some of these places I've only read about or explored on a map can be nerve wracking.  My desire for adventure and seeing new places is in constant battle with my reluctance to get into a road that I have to (God forbid) back out of for any distance.  Mountain driving and ensuring that we arrive in one piece and don't destroy the truck and trailer has been a learning curve.  On a rather disastrous attempt I will never forget I was sure I would have to call a helicopter to get us out of there, and by the time I got to a spot I could turn around I was shaking and trying my best to hold it together.  I still rode that day as I wasn't going to waste all that effort and not explore the trail we meant to see!  My best advice for driving in the mountains is GO SLOW.  It's safer for your truck, it helps to avoid those huge rocks and your horse will arrive much happier.  It also means you have to factor in that drive time in your day, often sacrificing miles on the trail so you aren't driving out at dusk on roads best traveled in broad daylight.  I've had to turn around by inches.  I've had to navigate over washouts.  I've had to back out due to a down tree across the road.  I've had to change flat tires.  It takes some practice and I HIGHLY recommend scouting before you go out.  I just don't have that kind of time!  But, I've learned that given enough time and determination I can get myself out of almost anything.  

My magical Green Hornet and Exiss trailer.  We've done a lot of miles this summer!  We did almost 600 miles of mountain driving just last week! 

My horses give more when I give more.  I don't know why this surprises me, because it's probably a universal phenomenon and not just a tenet of horsemanship.  I ask a lot of my horses.  I ask them to be brave, steady, dependable, athletic and fit.  I ask them to carry me into the high country often working very hard in the process.  Kit, who is not a fan of going downhill and has struggled with it his entire life taught me to get off and walk him down instead of riding him down all the time.  When I do this for him he more willingly climbs up the steep stuff.  When I give them breaks to graze or turn them loose in safe high mountain meadows they appreciate that this mountain climbing gig isn't just all about them losing buckets of sweat.  It makes them more invested in the adventure and they will try harder.  When I do walk down the trail picking berries or taking pictures they happily follow along behind me at liberty.  We are a unit, my horses and I.  I think it makes a difference in their willingness to work as hard as I ask them too.  Maybe I'm projecting or anthropomorphizing, but I don't believe so.  

Chico following me up Strawberry mountain. 

I enjoy the people who do the hard work to get up high.  The people that I run into in those far flung places are universally polite, respectful, and a joy to run into.  I can't say the same in some of the easier to access trail heads where I often spend time picking up after other horse folks, listening to blaring rap music from a passing ATV or even sometimes just music blaring on someone's phone as they ride down the trail.  There is something to be said about having to work hard to get to the beautiful places.  There is an understated sense of gratitude just to be alive and be experiencing life in those places.  There is a larger lesson here, I'm sure of it.  Be the kind of person who would work hard to get to some place pretty.  Even if you never get to go there, embrace that mentality.  I think it ends up serving you well.  I just have to add, other than people who don't clean up after themselves, I absolutely do not begrudge the way ANYONE enjoys the outdoors.  If cruising out there in your ATV and playing music is how you get out there, at least you are getting out there! Just don't mind if I choose to take a quieter trail. 

Finally, I've learned riding out by myself is that silence is golden.  I so rarely have silence in my life.  Our modern lives are so full of noise and distraction.  I also suffer from tinnitus so even at night there is noise in my ears.  The fan or an audio book help to keep that at bay so I can sleep.  But, in the woods there is a different kind of silence that is full of quiet noise.  The blowing of the wind through the trees.  The sounds of running water.  The calls of birds and the buzz of insects and all with the back drop of the creaking of my saddle and the sound of my horse's feet.  I could listen to all of that for hours and hours.  I used to sing on the trail, or talk to myself or my horses, but in the interest of cultivating stillness and silence I'm much more inclined to just ride through the forest breathing in time with my horse and letting my senses be filled with the sounds, sights and smells of the forest.  It's absolutely addictive.  

Kit and I on top of Mt. Pend Orielle soaking up the sunshine.

Riding solo is not for everyone and not for every horse.  I'm certainly careful about the places I go when I am riding alone with one of my young Morgans still in the learning phase.  Accidents can and do happen.  If you choose to ride alone make sure somebody knows where you are.  Start small and work up to the longer tougher rides.  If you get nervous out there, you are no good to your horse, so only do the things you feel comfortable with.  

Corralling your Confidence

 

There is absolutely nothing worse than having your confidence in yourself stolen.  It happens to all of us at some point and you have to fight like the dickens to get it back.  Think back to your 12 year old self playing in the back yard.  I bet you were slaying dragons, leaping off roofs, running as fast as The Flash in your brand new sneakers.  We have to be told we can’t do it all because at some point in time we all believe so strongly in ourselves that we think we are invincible.   Then life comes along and starts to dampen that enthusiasm for all the important pursuits.  Maybe it’s a well meaning parent that is trying to keep you from riding your big wheel down the bank into the creek (I’m looking at you, Madi).  Or maybe it’s a teacher that tells you your fantasy story is too fantastical and those things just don’t make sense.  It’s often well meaning people, important and influential in our lives that are just trying to help us figure out life.  Eventually we begin to learn that we aren’t all that and a bag of chips and perhaps we should proceed cautiously into this bigger world.  It’s at that moment we slip off our superman cape and walk stoop shouldered into the world. 

Dampening of childhood confidence is probably part of growing up but losing your passion and verve for all this world has to offer is like a cancer slowly eating away at your soul and stealing away all the little moments that make the beautiful memories. 

Because horsemanship is a life sport it provides a great metaphor for how confidence is projected and changes as we age.  A 12 year old horse crazy kid is the perfect example of unbridled confidence and joy for life in the moment.  Watch that 12 year old kid convince that sometimes skittish as heck Arab cross mare to sidle up to the plastic kiddie table so she can skitter up bareback and practice jumping random jumps using 5 gallon buckets as jump standards.   Falling off is all part of the fun! That 12 year old kid inside all of us eventually ages, gets a mortgage and maybe some crazy 12 year olds of her own and soon she is a little leery of mounting the 17 year old dead broke gelding from the mounting block if it’s a smidge windy out. 

If you have felt life steal your courage you are not alone.  As a matter of fact its so common as to be passe.  But, it is possible to get your courage back and enjoy the things you used to do without thinking twice about it!  The key is to start small and build your confidence in a million tiny ways.  Find things that stretch your confidence and tighten the ties on your superman cape and face the challenge like a 12 year old in shorts on a half broke Arab.  Here are some ways that you can reconnect with your inner 12 year old. 

1.        Embrace groundwork.  Though it may get poo-pooed in some circles, ground work is essential for facing some of your fears with your shaking legs firmly on the ground.  It’s a great way to introduce things to your horse and help build their confidence.  But, it’s also important to recognize when being on the ground isn’t the safest option.  Sometimes the very best place you can be is up on their backs.  But, do the groundwork at home, do it when you meet something you aren’t sure your horse will handle well.  And make sure you learn GOOD groundwork.  I’m not going to make any specific recommendation or derisions but if your groundwork program tells you to “beat that donkey”; it may not be quite the right one. 😉

2.       Find your tribe!  Surround yourself with horse friends that ride the way you want to ride.  I also encourage you to find friends that have skills beyond yours.  Find friends interested in elevating their skills, finding the magic of soft feel and embrace both adventure and learning.  I also encourage you to remove toxicity from your tribe.  If your tribe isn’t cheering you on, even and probably more importantly when your back is turned, then you need to remove that individual from your tribe.  Find people that will pick you up when you fall and cheer when you get back on. 

3.       Push your boundaries.  Growth and learning isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it can make you nervous or anxious.  A little bit of that in the right environment is where the magic can happen.  Want a dead broke horse?  Go places and do things that challenge the both of you.  You won’t ever know how trustworthy your mount is until you challenge that trust with situations that require the both of you to rely on each other as true partners. 

4.       Keep an open mind.  You never know where you will pick up a little gem of horsemanship.  I’ve learned some amazing little things just from my clients.  It may be a simple as a new knot or maybe a feeding or husbandry trick.  I may pick that up while watching them have trouble putting a halter on 😉.  If you are always looking to learn instead of judging the learning in others you can learn and grow in any situation.  The more you learn the more confidence you have!

5.       Invest in the very best horse your budget can afford.  If you haven’t shopped for awhile there may be some sticker shock for you as you discover what a basic broke trail gelding costs in this day and age.  This leads many folks to hunting the kill pens or rescue organizations out there.  While there are diamonds in the rough to be uncovered, buying the wrong horse will do more to destroying your confidence than anything else.  ANY horse has the potential to cause a wreck that will end up hurting you.  This is the nature of this game we play.  But, investing in a proven and safe as possible experienced mount that matches your current level of experience is the best way to preserve your confidence AND help rekindle the self-confidence I am speaking of. 

Confidence is such an important part of being a leader for your horse.  They know!  They always know!  You can fake it until you make it to a certain extent but the horse can always feel your fear even if you are trying to laugh it off.  Breathing helps so much for both you and your horse because it has actual physical affects on your sympathetic nervous system.  If you are struggling to tie the strings of your Superman cape and feel your knees go weak when you approach the mounting block, try some of the suggestions above.  Start small and build big.  There is a great big world out there.  Go get yourself a piece of it!

 

 

Grief Bubbles

 

Grief is such a weird and complicated emotion.  I don’t even think emotion is a good word for this often life changing emotional roller coaster.  We, as Americans, suck at grief.  Our society doesn’t recognize the extended and complicated process it often entails and instead allows for a nice stepwise progression that has an established time period associated with “healing” from your grief. 

Grief is a cornucopia of emotions and time lines, and nothing about it is linear.  The only thing that can be said is that it does get easier with time.  You don’t “heal” from grief.  You don’t “get over it”.  You don’t forget or really ever quit hurting with the remembered loss.  What you do is find a way to live with this new flavor of life and the living with it gets easier the more you do it. 

As a veterinarian and a life long animal owner I thought at my somewhat advanced age that I was actually well acquainted with loss and the emotions that go with it.  I have experienced the “normal” losses a person goes through with saying goodbye to lots of pets, grandparents and I lost a couple of dear uncles.   But, when my own personal BIG loss came I was devastated in a way that I didn’t think was possible for me.  The devastation was so disorienting that it made be question so much about who I thought I was and what I thought I was capable of.  The depth of the pain was crippling and all I could think about was that I wanted it to stop.  I was not suicidal and did not want to hurt myself at that point but for the first time in my life I understood how someone can feel that is the only way for them.  I knew deep down that if I stopped breathing and my life ended it would be nothing but a relief. 

As time passed and I got some professional help to deal with the trauma of my loss I began to breath in a way that allowed me to carry the weight of the grief without so much struggle.  I will never forget the first time I laughed spontaneously and actually joyfully after that event.  It was weeks after the trauma.   It felt so foreign and it was followed not by relief but profound fear that I wouldn’t figure out how to be normal again. 

Now I’m in my second year of this new life.  Most of the time I feel what I’ve learned to call my new normal.  I laugh and enjoy life most of the time.  But what I keep experiencing that I haven’t ever heard someone else talk about in grief is a phenomenon I can only call grief bubbles.  They are happening with decreasing frequency but they still surprise me.

 These bubbles of grief most often stem from periods of serenity, happiness or thankfulness.  It’s movements in my life when I am practicing counting my blessings or finding joy in the smallest and simplest pleasures that the old grief bubbles up and suddenly I find myself sobbing like it all happened yesterday.  Luckily these bubbles are really brief and if I’m doing something during which sobbing is not conducive to societal norms (like buying eggs or pumping gas) I can suppress it until I can find some privacy unlike when my grief was so fresh I couldn’t control it at all.   These bubbles leave me bewildered.  It’s such a complete disparity of emotions to go from happiness to grief without any warning.  I don’t understand why when I’m feeling good about life I suddenly have to be immersed in the old pains but I have some theories. 

One theory is that for a while when I was really struggling I didn’t think I would ever really be happy or joyful again.  I walked around like a zombie for months experiencing things without actually feeling them.  So, gratefulness and true joy are still such a wonderful feeling in comparison to the zombie feeling that it reminds me on some level of how I’ve improved and reminds me just by contrast of the pain that was there.  So much so, in fact, that it bubbles the grief back up for a minute until I can breathe through it again. 

Another theory is that in joy, thankfulness and serenity we lower our natural defenses.  When we allow ourselves the opportunity to sit in these positive emotions we are our best selves.  But that doesn’t imply perfection.  Our true and best selves carry the scars and baggage and trauma they have survived; not in any sole crushing way but just as the complete package that we are as we move through this life.  This is why the notion of “getting over” any grief or trauma can be such a difficult and damaging concept for any one in the struggling phase.  It’s easy to hate yourself and your weakness for not moving forward fast enough, complete enough or well enough to “get over it”. 

Early in my grieving when I was at my lowest my best friend shared with me the advice she had been given to make friends with your grief.  I had no idea what the heck that meant at that point but I was sure that advice was not for me.  As I continue to move through and understand this process I think I now know what that means.  Grief is the gift of love and human suffering.  It is the darkness that makes the light seem so bright.  To fully experience the vast array of human emotions we have to experience the lows as well as the highs.  You must cry to know how good a smile can feel.  I would never want to walk knowingly into grief again if I could avoid it, but I am thankful for the things I have learned through my pain.  I have a deeper empathy for those that are suffering.  I have a greater appreciation for the many small blessings we experience daily.  I’ve learned to infuse my life with moments of serenity, at first so I could deal with my grief process but now as a valued method of restoring my sanity and peace of mind. 

So, when I am happily bopping along humming to myself and feeling grateful and a surge of a grief bubbles boil up, I take a minute to acknowledge and breath through my grief.  I take a moment to appreciate the things around me that bring me happiness and joy.  I take a moment to remember those loved ones I have recently said goodbye to and the ones I didn’t take the time to properly grieve in my younger years. ( Grief is also oddly compounding so that one loss can make you relive a previous loss.  As if this process wasn’t complicated enough!) But, what I previously viewed as a weakness of character I now recognize as a strength.  To love deeply is to one day lose deeply because that is the way life works.  I wouldn’t trade the love for pain of loss even at the worst times.  I do wish I had had a better understanding of the grieving process before I was knocked off my feet.  That’s why I hope talking about it helps others experiencing the myriad of emotions lumped into moving through grief. 

So, if you are walking your own grief journey and learning what this new life looks like for you, I would like to offer these three things:

1.  Breathe and let the tears flow when they come as often as you can.  Even if its well past when you should "be over it".  

2.  Find your one thing that brings you peace even in your pain.  Use that to recenter yourself as often as you need.  

3.  Talk about your process with someone who has walked the path before.  All the weird grief experiences that you think are just you may turn out to be more common than you think! (Grief hair!  I didn't know it was a thing!) 

 

I have been putting P's on mountains to honor two losses in my life.  It's a great way to carry my loved ones with me while I practice my serenity and peace seeking. 

Making a Mountain Horse

Climbing the multiple high mountain trails in our national forests in the Gem State of Idaho is one of the greatest joys of my life. I’ve always been an avid trail rider but have previously considered it more like “recess” for intense arena sessions. It’s something that all my horses have been good at without even really trying. I didn’t consider it the kind of thing that you trained for. It’s just time spent riding outside with your best bud. But now that I’ve spent quite a bit of time riding the mountains alone on some of the most challenging trails that I can find, I have come to really appreciate the unique qualities that make a safe, reliable and enjoyable mountain mount. I’m sure there are those out there that do more miles than I do with more animals on the trail at a time that have even more sage advice to offer. I think what I hear the most from other riders wishing they could do the rides I do is that they don’t feel safe out there, or don’t trust their horse. They often ask, what if you meet, hikers, bikers, bears, moose, deer, bridges, rocks, . . . etc? What do you do? How do you train your horse to be good out there all alone? So, for what it’s worth (and, granted, it may not be much!!) I thought I would try to put into words what I think makes an excellent mountain horse and share the top 5 things that are important for creating a mount you can climb mountains on! 

First things first, your horse must be BROKE. Not that I don’t take green horses out on the trail, I absolutely do, that’s how they get good and broke, but if you are planning a solo trip or something on sketchy footing where such green horse behaviors as balking, spinning, bolting, bucking or shying would create a wreck, I would advise against putting both you and your horse into that situation. You don’t want to create a situation where either of you can get hurt or create bad memories that will resurface down the road. So, do your time and due diligence and train your mountain horse just like you were going to ride in front of judge. Set standards of perfection for behavior and don’t let unsafe behaviors slide. A good mountain horse can do all the fancy stuff that a dressage horse can do. They should be broke through the body parts, soft off your aides and ready and willing to move and respond to your aides no matter what other distractions are present. The more you can control and help move their body parts, the more likely you are to safely guide them through whatever obstacles are present. Your check list for a really good mountain horse should be shoulder in/out (keeps all 4 feet on a narrow trail), side pass/leg yield (navigating obstacles), turn on the haunches, turn on the forehand (turning around on narrow trails), backing circles (I’ve had to back UP a switch back!) and lots and lots of bend! When threading your mount through the jumble and mess of a trail that has yet to be cleared you will be thankful for the ability to place each of your horse’s feet carefully from his back! 

Chico on Queen Mnt

Second, if you want to be able to count on your horse to help you know what is out there, don’t desensitize them; instead expose them! Sounds counter intuitive, right? Don’t you want your mountain horse to also be “bomb proof”? Well, since I ride alone, I don’t. I want my horses to be aware of their environment and feel comfortable telling me what they are seeing so that I know what is out there too. The last thing you want is for them to internalize their fears and worries and put their nose down and do their job until they just can’t take it and sell out and leave you there! Instead of desensitizing, I encourage you to teach your horses that IF they are worried about anything to look to you for reassurance and guidance and courage. That means you must be the courageous one until they learn to trust your instinct! It also means you must not get your horses into trouble and give them a reason to not trust you. Trust is a two-way street, and it is imperative that trust runs both directions for partnership to work when you need it the most! To help build trust I like to do a lot of obstacle work on the ground and at liberty. This is great for helping the horse to think through obstacles and for you to build control of the feet. I think it’s also a really great time to remember that a horse that is afraid should never be punished or disciplined. I don’t allow them to engage in unsafe behavior (I have one that really liked to whirl) but I don’t punish them. I soothe them and encourage them and then we conquer the fear together. 

Ernie on Gold Hill

Third on the list for making a good mountain horse is FORWARD. This is more about horse selection when choosing a mountain horse but I do think you can both cultivate and squash forward in a horse. You want a forward thinking and forward moving horse. If you have to beg a horse to keep on moving down the trail not only will it wear you out but it will dull your horse. A horse that is always looking forward on the trail is much less likely to spin and bolt back down the trail for home. They enjoy the movement and the challenge of covering new ground. A forward thinking and moving horse will get you through obstacles, across bridges, over logs, etc. If you can’t get one reliably moving forward when you need it most you are going to find yourself on one side of an obstacle that MUST be crossed to get you home and you have to spend valuable time on the trail in training mode rather than in traveling mode. While a good supple and maneuverable rein back is imperative having a horse continue to move forward when asked can save your butt! I encourage forward by allowing my horses to move out in all 3 gaits on the trail as footing allows. 

Fourth on the list is patience. While I love the forward thinking and moving horses I also need one that will stop and stand still for as long as needed while I consult a map, explore a trail, pick some huckleberries, whatever. I don’t want to have to manage a horse while I’m doing something else. Mounted or not, if I stop and have to take care of something I would like my horses to stay calm and quiet and with me. Along this same line of thinking is standing quietly to be mounted from the ground or any other object, standing tied, trailering quietly standing quietly to be tacked up. Generally not destroying my patience and peace of mind while I’m out there relaxing! You can teach your horse patience by tying them up. Lots. Spending time tied is a dying art. If you are riding alone it is also important your horse can stand quietly while tied up all by their lonesome out in the middle of the wilderness while you wonder off for pictures, berry picking, meditation, what have you! Tie that pony up! Lots of time tied at home where they feel safe is imperative for building a strong and patient horse out in the woods. 

Fifth and last (at least on this short list) is conditioning. Climbing mountains is hard. For the weekend rider or one that wants to do a little light site seeing, the high country is not the place to take your pudgy couch potato pony that is generally used to doing about 20 minutes of walking on flat ground! We work very hard for these peak rides. We refine and train in the arena all winter then hit the trails just as soon as we are able. I ride the low country regularly until we can get up into the higher country and then I carefully monitor the condition and breathing and sweating of my horse taking plenty of breaks as needed. A tired, distracted of physically exhausted horse is much more likely to take a bad step and there are places a single bad step can be disastrous. You want your horse as fresh and alert at the end of a good ride as he was going out. 

Kit on Red Top Mnt

This short list could be much longer, but this is a good start. I get so many requests from folks that want to go up into the mountains with me, but in my mind, once you start climbing the big stuff, it’s not for the weekend warrior. Kind of like running marathons, it’s a commitment. It’s the only way to keep you and your horse safe, happy and healthy while still enjoying all the splendor that our area provides. We live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and it is a rare privilege to be able to climb up into those places. You truly do feel closer to heaven in the high places!