This blog post is going to depart from my general horsemanship ramblings to more of a personal note. I suppose, as all horsemen know, that horsemanship is really life, it won't be as much of a stretch as it may seem at first glance. As Buck Brannaman is much quoted as saying, "Horses and life; it's all the same to me."
I've come to view 2021 as my personal nadir. As I've been wallowing, struggling and trying to breathe through these past months, "nadir" is the most polite and academic term I can come up with. For those of you who's geometry classes are somewhat of a blur, here is the definition of nadir as defined by our friends at Webster
Nadir: the point of the celestial sphere that is directly opposite the zenith and vertically downward from the observer. 2 : the lowest point.
The problem with the term nadir is that it assumes that it is in fact the lowest point and that there will be no points lower in the future. Handy in geometry or astronomical computations, less handy in life. Indeed I cringe slightly to assume this is in fact has been the nadir and that life will be better in the future. That implies a certain amount of hope that is quite frankly difficult to sustain in the sucking pit of nadirism.
Pain, depression and anxiety, regardless of their source or substance can only truly be appreciated by the person for whom they are making their mark. We judge our friends for their ability to weather a storm and marvel at their brave ability to move forward with a perpetual spirit of polyannaism. As a society we are uncomfortable with grief, pain, and depression. It hasn't been that long in our collective psyche that the mentally compromised were stashed away out of sight in some horrific institutions, colloquially dubbed "hospitals" but more akin to dungeons.
In today's more "woke" society we can talk about it in the abstract. We can recognize the importance of mental well being and stability. We have armloads of pharmaceuticals devoted to the pursuit of stable mental health. But we still struggle to know what to do for a friend or loved one that is experiencing the nadir of their own personal storyline arc.
Because as a society we struggle to embrace these nadirs, those left experiencing them are forced to cope in a number of different ways, all of which are then subject to judgement by our friends, families and acquaintances. Unfortunately, without the aid of either professionals who are well versed in these struggles or friends that have reached their nadir and climbed back out again we can struggle to feel like our own personal journey is normal emphasizing the "brokenness" that I think is more disorientating than the depression.
While all of us must go through the day to day and minute to minute realities of our own journey on our own, it is so useful to know that others have felt the way you do and have found a way to feel more "normal" again. But how are we to discover that if we don't talk about it? If talking about it makes your friends feel uncomfortable or that they need to "fix" it for you?
When my best friend hit her nadir and was rocked by personal tragedy that I couldn't even empathize with because of the shear depth of the pain, I was at a loss for how to help. I chose love through distraction for my friend and tried to be present to listen when she needed someone to talk to. But in reality I just couldn't be what she really needed in that time. Thank goodness she had the presence of mind to seek a support group of others that were going through a similar experience to help her understand the process and to help her identify her experience through the filter of other people's journeys.
Then when I hit my low point, she was able to be there for me. Just talking about how low the lows feel and how hard it is some days to just freaking brush your hair and make it out the door. How you have days where you feel pretty dang normal then something hits you out of left field and you are struggling to breath normally again.
Grief and depression are such a personal things. Nobody can truly walk through those things with you. Nobody can take the pain away or say anything that will ease the suffering that has to bleed through your system as it heals you. But, having the freedom to say, "this is how I feel today" and having someone that can say, "Ah, yes. I remember something like that feeling." makes you realize that you are not, after all, crazy. You are not, after all, irrevocably broken. And most importantly, you are not, after all, going to feel like this for the rest of your life.
Having been for the most part a very joyful and optimistic person for the past 48 years it has been earth shattering to me to feel my nadir (dear god, let this be my nadir!). Looking for things that spark joy or trying to count my blessings is a daily chore that I sometimes fail to get done. It's hard not to stare around the world at this dark reality and not just get caught up in the melancholy of it all.
Because society demands it, I hide these feelings most of the time. I play distraction games that allow me to forget or at least to concentrate on something else besides the darkness still sucking at my core. I go to work. I do my chores. I attempt to engage in the things that have brought me joy. But, when I give myself the time to acknowledge the despair it swoops in and grabs me by the ankles and I have to sit and cry for a spell before I can move on again.
So, why am I talking about this? Is this a desperate plea for sympathy? Is this a cry for help or attention? Am I trying to say to the world, look at how tough I have it? Nope. None of those things. I know I am not alone. I know that there are others who are struggling with their own nadirs. I know that loss, suffering, and depression are everywhere and the people struggling may be friends, acquaintances and people that you would never in a million years suspect are struggling. This is why grace is so important. Talking is important when you feel safe to do so. Being NOT OK IS OK!. You don't have to put on a happy face all the time. You don't have to be having the most amazing blessed life all the time. (Social media is the WORST for that!)
We need to normalize the process of being less than okay and still getting through your day. We need to talk about the struggles, the weight of the feelings and the lack of joy that can be a daily burden to carry. We need to be gracious to one another. If you know someone who is struggling, just a quick note, soft word, or quick hug can mean the world to them. Don't make them feel like they have to go away until they can be more happy and normal again. It is brave to face adversity with a smile, but I think it's even braver to stand there and look it in the eye with tears streaming down your face.